Friday, April 17, 2009

Tool Time

So maybe I should just start going by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Lately I feel like a tool, straight up. Of course it's really a funny circumstance. So roughly a month or so ago, it started becoming pretty apparent that very few individuals seemed to really care all that much about anybody in my apartment. Yes, I know that's a rather cruel and harsh way of phrasing it, but it's largely true (and yes, I realize if you're reading this, you probably care about me [unless you're some random person who stumbled onto my blog] and believe me, I greatly appreciate it). Frankly it just seemed like people stopped contacting us for a large part. And this was kind of midsemester, so I understand people start getting busy and such. But it's the persistence that's concerned me. It seems like this has been a continuing theme.

Around this same time I started noticing that a certain person I had at one point considered a friend only would call me if this individual needed something (I'll remove gender to blur the identity of this person a bit more, even though if you're reading this blog, it's probably not you I'm talking about). Seriously, it's bad. This person doesn't seem to hesitate and only comes in contact with me when they need something. I've printed documents,  given the person a ride, invited them to different events, and other random things. Basically I've done a lot of the things that I figure friends should do. Well, as I said, it became apparent that this individual really doesn't seem to care all that much, which makes me sad. We have had some decent history and decent conversations, but there's just been so few instances I can think of that really fit this person extending a hand of friendship. When I finally came to this realization, it peeved me a bit. And look, I mean no ill will toward this individual, that's why I'm trying to keep identities secret, a lot of this is me: a) venting and b) trying to analyze some sort of potential flaw in my own character.

So this kind of got me to realizing that I'm a bit too much of an enabler for these kinds of people. Now I will say, I can't really think of pretty much any other time that I've run into this kind of situation, at least not to this degree. Maybe I've been used before, but if I was it wasn't quite so blatant and/or repeated. But seeing the way this has played out has definitely helped me see that I do put myself out there too much. I really will do just about anything for just about anybody that asks me. It's kind of a funny quirk of mine, especially since I usually abhor asking others for anything. A perfect example of that is the fact I walked to my job early on a couple of Saturday mornings last summer because I didn't want to trouble anybody by asking for a ride. It wasn't a short walk either, probably 7 miles and I had to get up quite a bit earlier than my 7 AM shift for that reason. But I really do bend over backwards for people when they ask me to. It's kind of interesting. I don't know where I got it either, but for as long as I can remember I've had it. On the plus side, I think I'm pretty good about following King Benjamin's admonition to "not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain." (Mosiah 4:16)

So I guess it's time for some spunk as far as this. I don't know, it's a hard thing to reconcile. I know King Benjamin admonishes us to wisdom in how we help the beggar. But then again if we have the ability to help we should. I guess that's why I continue doing what I do. But frankly "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" I guess I probably picked that up at the Tea Party. So I guess the key is though, I really don't know what to do. I mean it's not like I can demand a person be my friend since that would be the most ideal outcome. And frankly I don't know that this individual realizes this is going on. But if I call the person out or start refusing I just don't know how much I can stand that on my conscience. Such an interesting dilemma. I do know I was having a conversation recently with a friend about a different circumstance and I brought up an old Albert Einstein quote. It says, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

So I guess I have some related background stories to this situation but aren't necessarily directly involved. Basically they're some other ventings that I wanted to get out but with the flow of this post being what it is, I couldn't really express it except in this way:
  • So I've started joking with my roommates quite a bit "Hey you remember when we used to have friends?" Look I don't mean this as a plea "I'm a friendless loser, please be my friend!" But it is sad when people aren't sincere friends maybe or you seem to fall out of touch for silly reasons. The sad part is, this is a bit of a standing joke around the apartment because it rings so true. We used to get visitors to our apartment, but now, not so much.
  • The other day I had a friend come over asking me to print something (different friend than the original circumstance). Unfortunately nobody in this person's apartment was able to help this individual out, but without hesitation one of the roommates says "Go ask Scott." To some degree this is a bit flattering, but at the same time it is a bit disconcerting that there's no hesitation to ask me to help them so promptly. Nevertheless, this reminded me of my feeling of not having real friends (no offense to this person who asked for my help on the off chance you read this post and realize it is you I'm talking about, I really think no ill of you, you're a very kind person) outside of my roommates and a few select other individuals. And it reminded me of my feelings of being a tool. This friend did promise to repay me in some way immediately after the exchange which is far more than I can say about the original person.
  • There is a certain young lady that we had a bit of something more going on at one point. She's a wonderful individual and I think the world of her. I've often considered her one of my best friends. However, ever since things kind of fell apart it's been an interesting experience since she stressed so heavily she wanted to keep me as a friend. I'll be honest, I don't feel like we're even friends anymore. I feel like I'm the tool in this case too. I pretty much am not contacted at all anymore, which I guess isn't quite the typical tool circumstance. But it seems like if I am, it's because something is wanted. Frankly, the things that made us such good friends aren't there anymore and we don't do the things friends do. I guess part of the reason this vexes me so much is because it seems like if there is such a stressing of keeping a friendship alive, there should be some real effort to do such and it just hasn't seemed to be there to me. Of course I understand, she's in a hard circumstance as far as that. But as one of my friends recently said to me, friend is a verb. Just talking to somebody in mostly empty ways in passing isn't really being a friend. Guess we'll see where things go from here shortly. And on the off chance that this young lady does happen to read this (and realizes that it's her I'm speaking of), I'm sorry if this offends you. I don't feel like I've put out any personal attacks and I feel like I've been pretty mature in my discussion about it. Don't hesitate to talk to me if for some reason you feel like this might be overstepping some bounds. (Sorry, I often defer to these kinds of disclaimers because while I don't necessarily feel like my speech is inappropriate, it doesn't mean others don't. I ran into a problem with that once before so I figure it's safer to just put these kinds of things in here because I would like to still be able to really express myself and my circumstances.)

So there it is. I guess now I get to figure out what on earth I'm going to do to not be such a tool. But I know one thing, something has to change because the "insanity" is going to be too much.

1 comment:

smalldog said...

You. Are. Awesome. Repeat that because all your friends (the quality ones) think so!