Monday, May 9, 2011

Surprise, Insecurity, and the Mormon Experience*

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

So it's been forever since I've written. And I know the whole two of you that might actually read this might be disappointed that it's been so long. I'll try to be back for real this time, we'll see how it all goes.

I guess I'm hitting an interesting point in my life where everything is closing and opening all at once so it's gotten me thinking about a lot of things. I always put off the tough guy, nothing bothers me vibe but I guess it's finally catching up with me.

I want to say first of all, I have wonderful friends. The people that I've really been able to count on in my life and are always there for me, I'm blessed to have you in my life and I know I'm a better person for merely having your association. I get by with a little help from my friends. Of course I look at where I'm at with my life and I kind of think I probably should be relying a bit heavier on my oldest friend. I know for a fact that I've let my testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ slip a bit in recent months and that hurts and it's a realization that I need to take some corrective maneuvers. However, I don't want this to feel completely like some religious self-loathing piece so I won't focus on this too heavily. I know that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me dearly and I'm grateful for that. I also know I am a son of Deity and because of that I know I am an amazing person and have a great potential. Every day of my life is fantastic because I get to spend it with me and I'm fantastic.

So if I actually have any readers out there that don't realize where I'm at in life, I've recently started a new job doing IT work for Vivint. It's been a really great experience and I've learned a ton. It was tough at first and it was hard for me because it was the first time in quite some time that I felt really lost when I was trying to do my work. It was a whole new world to learn and experience. Go figure though, it's been a couple of months and I already feel like I've learned how to handle it pretty well. There's always something new to learn every day which is awesome. Also, I officially have been accepted to law school and I will be starting at Creighton in the fall. I'm really excited for this opportunity.

This puts me in an interesting circumstance currently. The Brethren have put a renewed emphasis on marriage recently and I've typically had more of a Wayne Campbell attitude. Three months. That's roughly the amount of time I have between now and when I go out to Creighton. Six and a half years. That's roughly the amount of time I've been home from my mission and back at BYU. Seven years. I'd say that's about the average difference in age between me and most girls I'm around at BYU. I don't care for those statistics much but unfortunately the math does add up.

Now what's really brought this on was a realization while I was on a date this weekend that I felt really inadequate because I didn't feel like I could carry a conversation much. I don't know how many of you know me pretty well, but I have a lot to say about a lot of things. That scares me when I have a hard time finding stuff to stay. And unfortunately it hasn't just been during the date that I've struggled. I've been finding it difficult in life to go out of my bubble and make new friends and associations and to find common ground to talk about. This used to be second nature for me. I don't understand.

[Note: So I know if anybody does actually care enough to go out of their way to read this, they probably want to know about my date. I had a wonderful time. She's a really awesome girl, I plan on there being at least one more and we'll see where it goes from there.]

During my date we decided to make a wish. Since I was half concerned the date wasn't going well and I was feeling rather reticent through most of the date, I wished that I could stop being such. K pestered me quite a bit to know what I wished for but I definitely did not give it up. Of course with that experience of a date and with all of the conversations I've tried to have since the change of the semester in this ward I've struggled to really say much. If anybody has any good pointers on what I can do to get myself out of this funk I'm all ears.

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." I'm hoping to find some of the faults in me and dig them out, I think I'm counting on the me from yesterday.

*This title is a play off of a book from a political scientist. I figured I wanted people to at least somewhat appreciate this allusion so I'd let them into my inside joke.

1 comment:

smalldog said...

Scotticus, I have missed your writing!

If I may take a serious note (not for too long, I promise!), our faith culture is not one that is kind to rough patches, moments of doubt or insecurity, or even annoyance. The standard response is that if you are dealing with any of these things, it's because of some sort of failing on your part. This is extraordinarily unhelpful and the product of smug, bad thinking.

If you want pointers, get out of the BYU wards - they are full of Disneyfied teenage girls barely a step above jail bait and about as intelligent (experience wise). You're at a different stage than they are, and it's ok! Look forward to the next stage at Law School.

Also extraordinarily unhelpful, I'm sure, but you are a man who is far above your current crowd.